> When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have
> to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and
> exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion.
> Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about
> it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible
> man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of
> every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he
> does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has
> a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and
> anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke
> and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

> But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs
> money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise,
> somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of
> dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now,
> you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

> But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know,
> when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really
> tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us
> in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close
> eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you,
> the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize,
> something is fucked up.

> Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger,
> filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades.
> Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the
> best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong
> on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd
> expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you
> and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on
> his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this
> guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if
> there is a God, it has to be a man.

> No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is
> a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least
> incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give
> a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of
> these bad results.

> So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly
> and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands
> of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I
> decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I
> could really count on.

> And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I
> became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at
> night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper.
> Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some
> other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on
> that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the
> credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it
> gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park,
> reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least
> there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply
> because they don't agree with us.

> Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no
> pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we
> don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to
> compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me
> I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved.
> Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun.
> But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our
> friendship. It's not polite.

> I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking
> trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and
> begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a
> better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day
> off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.

> But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you
> know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was
> arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like
> to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You
> know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for
> that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you
> want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?

> Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan.
> Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into
> practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has
> been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something.
> Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do
> you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a
> little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if
> every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and
> fuck up Your Plan?

> And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose
> your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's
> will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's
> going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in
> the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you
> just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very
> confusing.

> So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as
> I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci.
> Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me,
> that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe
> Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple
> of things that God was having trouble with.

> For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the
> barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one
> visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball
> bat.

> So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed
> something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and
> all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about
> the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I
> don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the
> horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo
> Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing
> the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your
> superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

> And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and
> literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you.
> You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one.
> Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's
> Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where
> the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care
> for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral
> comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's
> horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together
> again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God.
> None, not one, no God, never was.

> In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike
> this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened?
> Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a
> little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing
> happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls
> hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have
> been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe
> Bless You!

> Very sad.  I once used his material (believe it or not) as part of my
> Christian testimony, to a group of atheists.

> > Very sad.  I once used his material (believe it or not) as part of my
> > Christian testimony, to a group of atheists.

> (snicker) how'd _that_ work out for ya......

> But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs
> money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise,
> somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of
> dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now,
> you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

> But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know,
> when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really
> tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us
> in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close
> eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you,
> the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize,
> something is fucked up.

> Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger,
> filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades.
> Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the
> best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong
> on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd
> expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you
> and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on
> his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this
> guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if
> there is a God, it has to be a man.

> No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is
> a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least
> incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give
> a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of
> these bad results.

> So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly
> and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands
> of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I
> decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I
> could really count on.

> And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I
> became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at
> night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper.
> Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some
> other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on
> that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the
> credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it
> gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park,
> reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least
> there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply
> because they don't agree with us.

> Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no
> pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we
> don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to
> compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me
> I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved.
> Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun.
> But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our
> friendship. It's not polite.

> I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking
> trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and
> begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a
> better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day
> off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.

> But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you
> know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was
> arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like
> to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You
> know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for
> that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you
> want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?

> Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan.
> Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into
> practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has
> been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something.
> Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do
> you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a
> little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if
> every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and
> fuck up Your Plan?

> And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose
> your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's
> will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's
> going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in
> the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you
> just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very
> confusing.

> So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as
> I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci.
> Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me,
> that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe
> Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple
> of things that God was having trouble with.

> For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the
> barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one
> visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball
> bat.

> So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed
> something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and
> all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about
> the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I
> don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the
> horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo
> Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing
> the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your
> superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

> And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and
> literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you.
> You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one.
> Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's
> Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where
> the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care
> for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral
> comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's
> horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together
> again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God.
> None, not one, no God, never was.

> In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike
> this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened?
> Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a
> little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing
> happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls
> hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have
> been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe
> Bless You!